I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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