Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
