I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
