Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
