I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
