I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
