I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
