I cannot find my penis.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
