Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
are you so shy because you have an std?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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