I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
