omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
