Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Randomize
