Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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