I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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