Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
