goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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