I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
We named our party play list daddy issues
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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