I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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