I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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