how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
