He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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