i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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