so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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