Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
