trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
