but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
we're making bets on your personal life
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Randomize
