You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
