I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
