I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
