i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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