so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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