I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
