hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
