My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
