Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
The beers last night were like the tears from god
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
