you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
