I will die if light touches me.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
