for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
