Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He passed out mid-signature
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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