if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
