walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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