btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
