I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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