u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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