Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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