Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
