she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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