cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
