I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
