I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I have aggressive nipples.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
