The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
