We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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